Trevor Story is real, and he's fantastic. Plus other Rockies notes.

            Before I get into that Adonis pictured above, I need to cover a few other things about the Rocks. Now that we're 102 games into the season you get a very good picture of what this team is and i'd have to say i'm content. Not happy, but content. The Rocks are 2 games under .500 and 5 games out of the wildcard, not out but no one considers them a threat nor should they. The team for the first time in seemingly a decade is not going to lose 100 games. They're not championship contenders by any stretch but they're trending in the right direction.

              The Rockies are in a situation unique to them and them alone: they are a team that has an owner (Dick 'I hope gets hit by a rogue Light Rail train' Monfort) who has strangled this team financially for years by not allowing any serviceable amount of money be spent to improve the product on the field. Plus, playing a mile at altitude the park designers have to choose between if they want WAY too many home runs to be hit or make an outfield so big that its not plausible for 3 outfielders to have sufficient coverage of all the real estate. Either choice leads to pitchers having a massively inflated ERA which in turn scares off pitchers from signing here. So how do you fix a dickhead GM and a stadium that is actively keeping FA's from signing? You do what new-ish GM Jeff Bridich has done; stock pile draft picks while you're a bottom feeder team, pump what little money you're allowed into making the farm system as high quality as you can and hope to god you come across some good ground ball pitchers. For the most part, its worked, or started to at least. Rockies have the most runs scored with an offense that is 2nd to none consisting of Car-Go, Blackmon, Lamehieu, Arenado, oh and TREVOR STORY. The team can flat out hit. So much so that the team is starting to pull itself out of the squalor and ruin that the bottom of the MLB is. You'd love to see better pitching, but again that's a deck stacked against you in that stadium so it will have to be home grown or traded for. (Which is another reason I've come to like the Tulo trade). The team seems as though its heading in the right direction and if they can put together a pitching staff that at least keeps them within striking distance of other teams, they're poised to 'make some noise.'

            Now onto a man who walked into a dreary and depressing Coors Field and shined a light brighter than we've seen in a while. He's teaching under privileged children to read while simultaneously saving kittens from burning buildings; Jammin up Super models while making grown men weep in envy (not really, but you and i could both see that happening.) Trevor Story is so much better than even he was hyped to be, which was quite a bit. At the time I was furious about the Tulo trade, thought it was another blatant salary dump of a player who rightly was unhappy losing and would require an exorbitant amount of money come contract time. But my good personal friend Jeff Bridich knew something I didn't. Story started off the season on pace to hit approximately 300 home runs in the first 10 games. After a few months, like all rookies do, he slumped and stuck out quite a bit and some doubt started to creep in. However since July he's picked it back up and is now leading the National League in home runs....AS A ROOKIE. MORE than Bryce Harper, Giancarlo Mike Stanton, Kris Bryant, Yo Cespedes, all of them, as a rookie. its been a rough go for a few years at Coors but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe, that soulless dickbag still owns the team so who knows. 

Saban Wins 5th National title for Bama, with a huge set of nuts and some black voodoo.

You shifty son of a bitch.

      First off, HOLY SHIT WHAT A GAME. That is why you watch college football, for games you hope can be half as good as that was last night. 40 FUCKING POINTS in the 4th quarter. Insanity.

Deshaun Watson is absolutely incredible, obviously reminiscent of Vince Young in the Rose Bowl against USC. Wish he could have pulled off the win like Vince, but c'mon Saban's testicular fortitude Harry Potter dark magic would never have allowed for that. Saban who's soul was sold to Lucifer about the same time as Bill Belichick, would not be outdone. That onside kick was so perfectly executed, its not possible properly articulate how well that entire plan came together. Dabo who is an incredible coach was only playing checkers to Saban's chess from there on out. Outside of the 4th quarter, where both teams adopted a strict no-defense-played policy, every gain for Henry was some increment of -3 yds, 7 yds or 51 yds and Watson was roasting the Bama D in more ways than is acceptable to talk about in polite company.

       Which makes you wonder how steep that deal with the devil was, in absolutely no universe does a team playing like Clemson played last night deserve to lose. No team should ever play that well and still manage to lose a game, but thats how it breaks for Saban. He could run for governor of Alabama on a platform of kicking orphans and strangling puppies and still win with 70% of the vote (30% Auburn fans who will soon be paying out of state tuition.)  Comes up the victor for his 5th national championship, getting a fat bonus check from Alabama and Nike, and leaving that visor wearing dickbag Lane Kiffin in the parking lot. 

                                  Live look at Kiffin about 45 miles outside of Arlington, TX:

When you're wrong, you're wrong. I, was wrong. Mike Malone was a good hire for the Nuggets.

        When Croenke and management decided to hire Mike Malone I hated it. Guy just got fired from the Kings! The Kings suck! If he can't hack it on the shitty team that constantly threatens to relocate, how the hell can he handle this rebuild undertaking? Well two things from that thought  process become clear : 1. Mikey Malones got some coaching chops, and more importantly: 2. Boogie is a young prodigy at driving a coach off a team the  likes of which we haven't seen since Kobe or Me7o.

I went to Nuggets-Hornets yesterday. (Sat 4th row behind the hoop, nbd. No, seriously no big deal. The tickets were $28 on stubhub.) What I watched was a young Faried-less Nuggets team beat a very good hornets team. Now the jury is still out for me as to whether Faried is actually a good player or not but beside that point this was an impressive win. Mudiay played extremely physical on the smaller Kemba Walker, forcing him through a hail of screens. Gallinari was hot early and Malone made a great coaching change when Cody Zeller was absolutely roasting (never in my life thought I'd type that) Jokic in the post, Switched Nurkic onto him with Arthur to help out.

Team is obviously a far way off with fighting for a tail end of a playoff spot, but Mudiay looked great and have to hope he can get some chemistry to grow with Faried. Team is at least trending up finally.

Sidenote- never has one 7'2" man who has to wrap his warhammer around his leg to ball, ever looked so fresh.

Jusef Nurkic's Dad is the Most Exciting Thing About the Nuggets Season.

    You see that above? Thats all 7 feet and 450 pounds of the only story worth talking about this Nugget's season. This is rookie Jusuf Nurkic's father, and I can only assume he's the kind of guy who washes himself outside in a soapy bucket and kills a liter of vodka for all meals. This is the physical embodiment of the Iron Shield and I for one love it. This Nuggets team is nothing but mediocrity and nothing worth following. They have a losing record but nothing horrendous like the 6ers or the Knicks, they're just a really bland grilled chicken sandwich. Sure Ty Lawson is probably underrated and Kenneth Faried if nothing is just fun to watch but they aren't going anywhere. So why not get a guy in your stands whose own son (who is 6'11", 285lbs) still says he makes him feel so small? If anyone doesn't like it...OH YEAH HE BEAT UP 14 PEOPLE AT ONCE.

Along comes the Russian bear and suddenly I'm back in the game. He's beautiful, a conversation piece; like a ship in a bottle or a fancy painting. Only he's a 500 pound bear straight out of Siberia sitting courtside at the Pepsi center. Need him to become a centerpiece of Denver sports because right now its a slowly failing at the helm of a guy slangin Papa John's pizzas.

Gross Eastern European Chick has 9 pounds of HAIR removed from stomach

Huffington Post-A 18-year-old girl in Batken, Kyrgyzstan went through a hair-raising medical procedure in order to have a nine-pound hairball removed from her stomach.

Ayperi Alekseeva was admitted into a hospital recently after she complained of stomach pains so severe that she was unable to eat anything, or even drink water.

X-rays revealed the hairy blockage and realized they needed to operate quickly.

Bebezov said the hairball formed in Alekseeva's stomach because she had a nasty habit of picking up hair from the carpet and eating it and also chewing the tips of her hair.

"In fact her stomach was so badly swollen from hair and bits of wool from the carpet that it literally just oozed out as soon as the wall of the stomach was cut," Bebezov said according to the Telegraph.

After going through the ordeal of major surgery, Alekseeva has promised her hair-eating days are over.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/01/ayperi-alekseeva_n_5914438.html

       Okay first off, FUCKING EW. So the first article I read on this started the article saying she had a habit of chewing the tips of her hair as the first statement, and I thought, well thats disgusting but I've seen girls with this same habit and maybe its a snowball effect of 15+ years of hair chewing and occasionally swallowing a straggler. Then they hit you with a 95 MPH fastball to Giancarlo Stanton's face with how she used to pick up hair off the FLOOR and eat it. Then I threw up everywhere, I had no choice, that is the Webster, Oxford and Merriam Dictionary definition of revolting. I went from 'oh what an unfortunate and disgusting thing to happen from a gross but sort of common habit' to 'this girl should be on death row with serial killers and rapists.' Having a hair in your mouth is one of the grossest feelings in the world, actively going out of your way to pick it off of the ground in your mud hut and consuming it is a level of insane that is on par with like Ted Bundy and Gary Busey. Just take a proactive measure and lock her in one of your haunted Transylvanian prisons.

         The link above has an actual picture of what was removed, and because I care about other people's feelings I will save every one the atrocity. But I can tell you this, I'd rather have a live fucking animal removed from inside my nut sack than have them pull Cousin It out of me. This girl may need the death penalty, and I'm only half kidding.

Sidenote- When they say she lived in Kyrgyoogahboogahbergaloogerstan I totally pictured this as the neighborhood she lives in.

Bratislava!

Bronco's shit their 2nd half pants again (still win), also addressing this Phil Simms Petition thing

         Another Sunday and another week going by of Peyton Manning's forehead and the boys looking like the best team in the NFL in the first half then pulling their best disappearing act in the 2nd half. 1st half had Alex Smith reeling, the defense getting good pressure, secondary not blowing coverages, Offense looking like the record breaking offense of last year even with out Decker and Welker. Good times.

        Then that gigantic red volkswagon sized mass known as Andy Reid pulled the best possible strategy a clearly less talented team can do to try to pull off a win against the orange. Basically pound the running game and take as much time off the game clock  as possible, and the Chiefs did this to perfection. Nearly pulling off a win they had 0 business being close to winning. So is this panic time? Absolutely not, the team is still 2-0, getting Welker back with a healthy defense and O line. But there should certainly be concern over the disappearing act the offense likes to do in 2nd half of games, letting some breathing room to opposing teams and the defense's inability to get off the field late in games. This is seemingly just knit picking for a team I still believe is going 13-3 and winning the AFC.

Side note- Peyton straight laying into Julius Thomas was AWESOME to watch. You know Peyton has a temper that he clearly has kept in check for his 19 year career with an almost robotic precision. So seeing a human side to the touchdown machine is actually a pretty welcome relief. The all too clear 'I DON'T GIVE A FUCK' he retorted to Thomas makes me laugh out loud every time I watch the gif. But hey Peyton, Thomas is currently looking like the best TE in the NFL with 4 TDs already, I'm sure there is someone more deserving of ferocious southern drawled FUCKs dropped in their face.

L

Love it.

Okay onto the nasty business. I didn't want to have to write about this but this is fucking downright inexcusable. A petition signed by 20,000 fans to not have Phil Simms broadcast their game because 'he's biased against the Broncos.' Have you morons ever heard Phil broadcast a Giants game? He spits absolute VENOM at the Giants and thats his old team. So shouldn't this be a hint that if he's shitting on the team he won 2 superbowls with that hes just an equal oppurtunity hater. This is what happens when a fanbase gets complacent with the team on the field and has to find new shit to complain about. Its spoiled fan garbage that we're better than. Its the type of trash dickhead New England fans were complaining about 12+ years ago when they were cheating and winning superbowls with their now washed up ugg boots model. Don't be that way, no one likes that fan base. Instead enjoy however long we have with what may be the best QB ever because it certainly won't last forever.

Welker gets suspended for popping molly at the Kentucky Derby.

I'M BACK BABY


So we all know now how Welker got suspended  for 4 games for use of 'Amphetamines' during the Kentucky Derby. As we can see from the picture above, my boy was ROLLIN, handing out fat stacks of cash and having himself a fucking time. So that should be that right? You went out and got caught for popping molly while you're rubbing elbows with the celebs, dressing like a midget mix of Tony Montana and Hunter S Thompson and pounding mint juleps. Take the 4 games; shut up, and let the fact that you're basically actively NFL royalty carry you through this and let it blow over. Oh, no. Thats not how Wes rolls (pun intended). He's saying he isn't a drug user and how he doesn't even know what 'a molly' is. That he doesn't do marijuana, that his drink must have been drugged. Gimme a fucking break man. Look at that picture. Look at it. If thats not someone rollin HARD after winning big at the Derby then I will shit a whole live chicken. Not fooling anyone Wesley, you may be the best slot receiver in the game but the gift of lying and backtracking do not come with that skill set.

Silver lining of this is Wes has gotten 3 concussions in the past 10 months. He was trying to come back for week 1, now he has to at least take a month. He's lucky hes not spitting up spoon fed smushed peaches and apricots, never mind trying to go back out and play easily the most dangerous position in sports. Either way, yours truly drafted Emmanual Sanders who is taking over in the slot. CHA.......CHING.

Side note- So every year a bunch of my friends all fly down for a long weekend down to Ft. Lauderdale to my family's condo for a few days of boozin and golf. Two of my friends got in on an earlier flight, noticed at baggage claim that Mr Welker was on the flight with them. He clearly was just trying to grab his bags and be off, not be bothered, so they didn't approach him. Wes' bag comes and as hes leaving, one of my friends says to him 'Bye Wes Welker.' Welker clearly a little bewildered, turns, gives him half a wave and scurries off. So yeah Welker and I are practically besties by 1 degree of separation. Can't make this stuff up.